I decided to end this blog called Tony's Progress. Tony is resting in peace now.
Please use this link if you'd like to read about what's going on with me now.
http://andmylittledogstoo.blogspot.com
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Friday, December 25, 2009
merry christmas
I've been alternating between tears of sorrow and heart-warming memories. When I woke up this morning I thought about how happy Tony was that he surprised me with a new golf putter last Christmas. And that seems like yesterday. That was a good memory. Then I got in my car to go to church...uncontrollable tears. In church, more tears. Eventually I started pulling myself toghether. My sister and I are working on a project to clean my aunts' house for them. We made some real progress today. It'll take a year to really clean it, but we had a great start. Now I'm back @ the hotel. Alone with my thoughts again. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Tony and I were going to grow old toghether and be happy with our dogs forever. Now I'm getting ready to pick up and leave without the love of my life. Time to make new memories, build a new life.
In all of my housecleaning today I found a prayer titled "a powerful prayer to St Anthony."
O Holy St Anthony, gentlest of saints; your love for god and charity for his creatures made you worthy, when on earth, to possess miraculous powers. Miracles waited on your word, which you were ever ready to speak for those in troubleor anxiety. Encouraged by this thought, I implore of you to obtain for me (mention your request). The answer to my prayer may require a miracle; even so, you are the Saint of Miracles. O gentle and loving saint, whose heart was ever full to human sympathy, whisper my petition to the infant Jesus, who loved to be folded in your arms. And the gratitude in my heart will ever be yours.
Merry Christmas to all. I hope everyone gets what they want in 2010.
In all of my housecleaning today I found a prayer titled "a powerful prayer to St Anthony."
O Holy St Anthony, gentlest of saints; your love for god and charity for his creatures made you worthy, when on earth, to possess miraculous powers. Miracles waited on your word, which you were ever ready to speak for those in troubleor anxiety. Encouraged by this thought, I implore of you to obtain for me (mention your request). The answer to my prayer may require a miracle; even so, you are the Saint of Miracles. O gentle and loving saint, whose heart was ever full to human sympathy, whisper my petition to the infant Jesus, who loved to be folded in your arms. And the gratitude in my heart will ever be yours.
Merry Christmas to all. I hope everyone gets what they want in 2010.
Monday, October 26, 2009
GW
Last night I had the honor and the privilege to be a part of a special night for a very special friend. Tony's best friend, a fantastic bowler, and all around nice guy, Greg Wearing, was inducted into the GMBA Bowling Hall of Fame, just one year after Tony was voted in. I know that Tony would have been extremely proud of and happy for Greg. Those two took the Milwaukee bowling scene by storm for well over a decade. I was so happy to be a part of his big night. I also liked the way those guys go through their pomp and circumstance. They have so much respect for one another. I know Tony was there with us in spirit. He would have been so proud of his friend.
When I walked in to that banquet room it felt like therapy for me. I realized how relatively little time has gone by since February, and at times it feels like an eternity. Just one year ago, Tony was up at the podium making an eloquent speech, and in the span of one year life as we knew it, the life we shared, will never be the same.
There was a moment of silence for Tony before the festivities began, during which I broke down, right there at the head table. I think everyone understood, but it's that dichotomy again - sometimes the pain is right there on the surface, like it just happened yesterday, even though it feels like a lifetime has passed. As time goes by there are fewer moments like that, but they never get any less potent. I think I'm always going to have those moments, and I'm realizing there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
When I walked in to that banquet room it felt like therapy for me. I realized how relatively little time has gone by since February, and at times it feels like an eternity. Just one year ago, Tony was up at the podium making an eloquent speech, and in the span of one year life as we knew it, the life we shared, will never be the same.
There was a moment of silence for Tony before the festivities began, during which I broke down, right there at the head table. I think everyone understood, but it's that dichotomy again - sometimes the pain is right there on the surface, like it just happened yesterday, even though it feels like a lifetime has passed. As time goes by there are fewer moments like that, but they never get any less potent. I think I'm always going to have those moments, and I'm realizing there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Sweetest Day
Yesterday was Sweetest Day, and it was also the 10 yr anniversary of the day I met Tony. It was kind of a big occaison for us, so this week leading up to it was a rather tough one for me. I know it's a Hallmark holiday, but it took on meaning for us. I think getting through this first Sweetest Day after Tony's death is another milestone. We're rounding the corner and heading towards a full year of birthdays, anniversaries, and other holidays. Hard to believe.
I think Sweetest Day hit me harder than Thanksgiving or Christmas will, because those holidays were usually stress-filled for us, and even held some unpleasant memories. I will never forget Christmas Eve 2003 when my mother threw us out of the house over a misunderstanding about pizza toppings. It was my family's Christmas Eve tradition to eat some kind of junk food on Christmas Eve - usually hot dogs or pizza. We'd been doing it ever since we were young children. My mother, being a fiercely devout Catholic, announced that particular Christmas Eve that the day was a "holy day of obligation" and as Catholics, we were not allowed to eat meat. (But mom, what about the 25 years we ate hot dogs on Christmas Eve??) So when Tony walked in with the 2 pizzas - one veggie, one sausage & pepperoni (gulp), it was as if he had escorted the antichrist into the kitchen of my mother's house, and all hell broke loose. Sadly, it didn't end well, and we got our bags and had to leave. Luckily, my new sister-in-law offered to let us stay at her father's house with her. So we went out, had a couple of drinks, but then managed to say the wrong thing to her towards the end of the evening (I think we asked if/when my brother was going to join us). For reasons still unbeknownst to me today, she told us that we were not welcome at her father's house either. So here it was, Christmas Eve, it was snowing, and it was about 11 pm and we had nowhere to go. We went to a couple of hotels, but the Packers were in town and we couldn't get a room. Tired, and a little angry, we decided to head back to Milwaukee. But it started snowing very hard and the roads were treacherous. It was beautiful and serene, but we were only driving about 25 mph. We pulled over in Appleton and were able to get a hotel room there.
Looking back at that story, I usually refer to it as the night there was "no room at the inn". I think I'll be ok this Christmas with Tony in my heart. I think I'll have pizza in his honor, cheese and veggie, just to be safe.
I think Sweetest Day hit me harder than Thanksgiving or Christmas will, because those holidays were usually stress-filled for us, and even held some unpleasant memories. I will never forget Christmas Eve 2003 when my mother threw us out of the house over a misunderstanding about pizza toppings. It was my family's Christmas Eve tradition to eat some kind of junk food on Christmas Eve - usually hot dogs or pizza. We'd been doing it ever since we were young children. My mother, being a fiercely devout Catholic, announced that particular Christmas Eve that the day was a "holy day of obligation" and as Catholics, we were not allowed to eat meat. (But mom, what about the 25 years we ate hot dogs on Christmas Eve??) So when Tony walked in with the 2 pizzas - one veggie, one sausage & pepperoni (gulp), it was as if he had escorted the antichrist into the kitchen of my mother's house, and all hell broke loose. Sadly, it didn't end well, and we got our bags and had to leave. Luckily, my new sister-in-law offered to let us stay at her father's house with her. So we went out, had a couple of drinks, but then managed to say the wrong thing to her towards the end of the evening (I think we asked if/when my brother was going to join us). For reasons still unbeknownst to me today, she told us that we were not welcome at her father's house either. So here it was, Christmas Eve, it was snowing, and it was about 11 pm and we had nowhere to go. We went to a couple of hotels, but the Packers were in town and we couldn't get a room. Tired, and a little angry, we decided to head back to Milwaukee. But it started snowing very hard and the roads were treacherous. It was beautiful and serene, but we were only driving about 25 mph. We pulled over in Appleton and were able to get a hotel room there.
Looking back at that story, I usually refer to it as the night there was "no room at the inn". I think I'll be ok this Christmas with Tony in my heart. I think I'll have pizza in his honor, cheese and veggie, just to be safe.
Friday, September 11, 2009
can't sleep
7 months has come and gone, and there are still good days and bad. I had a rummage sale a couple of weeks ago that sort of threw me back in time. Going through all my old things, getting ready for my move to Houston, I came across some things that reminded me of the wonderful times I had with Tony. Pictures, cards he gave to me, the bowling trophies that we earned when we took first place in the Couples League...
As I was bringing things out to the garage to get ready for the sale, I realized that 99% of the "junk" was my junk. Tony didn't spend his money on "things". Almost everything that he bought was for immediate consumption...for fun. Rounds of golf, entry fees for bowling tournaments, a cold beer. He never "went shopping"....that was my thing. As I clear out the house preparing to move, I think he has taught me something about material things. They are fleeting and we don't really need much to make us happy. Tony was always a very happy person. He didn't buy new clothes very often, only had 2 used cars in the time that I knew him, yet he always said he had everything that he needed. It made gift-shopping nearly impossible, and most of the things I ended up buying him went unused (many ended up in the rummage sale). He's right though. I have my friends, my family and my sweet little dogs. What else do I really (really?) need?
On a very positive note, I'm honored to report that Tony's best friend, Greg Wearing, is being inducted into the Greater Milwaukee Bowling Hall of Fame in October! When he told me he was nominated I was praying he would be selected. Tony would be so happy....I'm sure he's smiling down from heaven as we speak! Now the two of them will have something they can share forever. :-)
As I was bringing things out to the garage to get ready for the sale, I realized that 99% of the "junk" was my junk. Tony didn't spend his money on "things". Almost everything that he bought was for immediate consumption...for fun. Rounds of golf, entry fees for bowling tournaments, a cold beer. He never "went shopping"....that was my thing. As I clear out the house preparing to move, I think he has taught me something about material things. They are fleeting and we don't really need much to make us happy. Tony was always a very happy person. He didn't buy new clothes very often, only had 2 used cars in the time that I knew him, yet he always said he had everything that he needed. It made gift-shopping nearly impossible, and most of the things I ended up buying him went unused (many ended up in the rummage sale). He's right though. I have my friends, my family and my sweet little dogs. What else do I really (really?) need?
On a very positive note, I'm honored to report that Tony's best friend, Greg Wearing, is being inducted into the Greater Milwaukee Bowling Hall of Fame in October! When he told me he was nominated I was praying he would be selected. Tony would be so happy....I'm sure he's smiling down from heaven as we speak! Now the two of them will have something they can share forever. :-)
Sunday, August 2, 2009
6 months
Today marks 6 months since Tony's passing. It's still fresh in my mind as I woke up this morning and realized what today was. That day I came home from work, unaware that lives were going to be forever changed.
Tears still come to my eyes virtually every day, but not as many. I've been trying to get out and do things, but at the end of the day, I still always come home to a house without Tony. Even though 6 months has passed, I am still working through it. Thank goodness for good friends and family. I have people who I can call any time, day or night, and that has helped tremendously. And, as I said, I am getting out and having fun, and I am so thankful for those who are there to spend time with me. Nothing can replace my memories of Tony, but I'm making new memories now, and that is what keeps me going.
Someone I know died of a heart attack this week. I wasn't very close to him, but I was well acquainted with him and his girlfriend. He was 59. It reminded me of a simple truth: I am not the first person in the world to lose someone special, and I won't be the last. It puts things into perspective, as I try to figure out what I can do to help his girlfriend get through her grief. The fact that I may be able to help someone through that somehow dulls my own pain - as if my own grieving will not be completely lost. It might possibly be put to some use now.
Tears still come to my eyes virtually every day, but not as many. I've been trying to get out and do things, but at the end of the day, I still always come home to a house without Tony. Even though 6 months has passed, I am still working through it. Thank goodness for good friends and family. I have people who I can call any time, day or night, and that has helped tremendously. And, as I said, I am getting out and having fun, and I am so thankful for those who are there to spend time with me. Nothing can replace my memories of Tony, but I'm making new memories now, and that is what keeps me going.
Someone I know died of a heart attack this week. I wasn't very close to him, but I was well acquainted with him and his girlfriend. He was 59. It reminded me of a simple truth: I am not the first person in the world to lose someone special, and I won't be the last. It puts things into perspective, as I try to figure out what I can do to help his girlfriend get through her grief. The fact that I may be able to help someone through that somehow dulls my own pain - as if my own grieving will not be completely lost. It might possibly be put to some use now.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
a new day
So much has happened in the past month that it's making the grieving process feel like it's in fast forward mode. I'm doing much, much better in that respect. I have really learned to take the best memories of Tony and keep them in my heart and have stopped focusing on the trauma of the day I found him, stopped focusing on how things could have, should have turned out differently. I've learned that "what if's" are fruitless. I can try to imagine things going a different way, but it never ever changes the outcome. I've come to a new acceptance, and I'm starting to let go of the grief. And it is such a relief.
I've started a new philosophy of focusing on positive energy. Being a victim, blaming others or blaming God for events, self-blame, self-doubt, endless loops of asking myself "what if"....none of that is productive and it completely drained me for such a long time. Positive energy is about opening yourself up to new possibilities and trusting that the universe is out to support you. I have witnessed the greatest support with my ordeal have come away 100% convinced that we live in a world where people are truly at their kindest when times are the toughest. And now I am looking for ways to repay everyone for their kindess. I can't wait to be in a position to help others.
My company has gone through some turmoil in the past month, and difficult decisions were made in order to keep it afloat in this economy. As a result, I recently learned that my job will be moving to Houston, TX early next year. If I've learned anything in the past 5 1/2 months, it's that things that happen for a reason. So, while it seems a little overwhelming when I look around my house and wonder if I can get it on the market, sell it, and move across the country all alone at this point in my life, when I break it down I think I can handle it. It will be a new chapter, a new adventure in my life. And I won't be ALL alone - I'll always have Tony's spirit with me and, of course, my boys.
On a slightly more immediate note, I found out that I need to have my gall bladder removed, and I'm having that done on Tuesday. I had a few episodes of getting very sick, and once again, thanks to the help of my Underwriting friends, was diagnosed quickly and I'm happy to be taking care of it so soon. Once again, the people from work are reaching out and helping me out post-surgery. I am so blessed.
I've started a new philosophy of focusing on positive energy. Being a victim, blaming others or blaming God for events, self-blame, self-doubt, endless loops of asking myself "what if"....none of that is productive and it completely drained me for such a long time. Positive energy is about opening yourself up to new possibilities and trusting that the universe is out to support you. I have witnessed the greatest support with my ordeal have come away 100% convinced that we live in a world where people are truly at their kindest when times are the toughest. And now I am looking for ways to repay everyone for their kindess. I can't wait to be in a position to help others.
My company has gone through some turmoil in the past month, and difficult decisions were made in order to keep it afloat in this economy. As a result, I recently learned that my job will be moving to Houston, TX early next year. If I've learned anything in the past 5 1/2 months, it's that things that happen for a reason. So, while it seems a little overwhelming when I look around my house and wonder if I can get it on the market, sell it, and move across the country all alone at this point in my life, when I break it down I think I can handle it. It will be a new chapter, a new adventure in my life. And I won't be ALL alone - I'll always have Tony's spirit with me and, of course, my boys.
On a slightly more immediate note, I found out that I need to have my gall bladder removed, and I'm having that done on Tuesday. I had a few episodes of getting very sick, and once again, thanks to the help of my Underwriting friends, was diagnosed quickly and I'm happy to be taking care of it so soon. Once again, the people from work are reaching out and helping me out post-surgery. I am so blessed.
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